Instruction for Lawyers

1. The Law is a kind of thing, in which everyone is competent. Any manager, Credit Officer, accounting, etc. can independently prepare any contract, as well as to give an opinion on any legal question. To do this, you need to have only one thing – a disc titled like “All contracts on the same disc” and a couple of booklets such as “All you need to know about the Law” or “How to enter into contracts”. Any contract from such a disk can be applied to all situations. Thus, a supply contract may be used, regardless of whether you are selling a stew or sophisticated equipment, domestically or abroad.

2. And, moreover, the lawyer should not participate in various kinds of negotiations and meetings – he will only stand in the way, and all he can say “you know it for yourself”.

3. Lawyer is a person who blows off the best projects. The better from your point of view the project is and the bigger profits it promises the greater legal risks are described lawyer.

4 Never observe advices of the lawyer – they are too long and difficult. We must do what is faster, easier and cheaper, and do not care if the law prohibits to do so – still these laws no one observes, and, in fact, if you should comply with these laws in your live, it is necessary to close the company and stop the work.

5. It is necessary to carefully hide all possible legal documents from the lawyer. Contracts, claims against contractors and other nonsense (See rule No. 1) in no case they can be shown to the lawyer – he will blow off everything (see rule No. 2-3).

6. You should show this documents only when it’s time to go to court. But in court the lawyer should go by himself. There is nothing complicated to be at suit, you just need to buy the book “How to always win in court”, but the lawyer should fulfill his work to receive the salary.

7. Nine o’clock in the evening – the perfect time to show all the documents to the lawyer on the case, a hearing under which in the court is scheduled for 9 am the next day. Lawyers have a whole night to reconsider his position taking into account those documents.

8. If your company itself has recognized all the debts to the plaintiff in a letter a year ago, the best way is not to talk about it with the lawyer at all, let him know about it at the trial from the counterparty, the better will be a surprise for him. Lawyers like such pleasant surprises most of all.

9. If, in spite of the fact that the contract can be made by any fool, that the lawyer wrote what should you do and you’ve done wrong, but fast, easy and cheap, and despite the fact that you have given him valuable guidance to deny in the court the debt recognized by your company a year ago, a lawyer lost the case, it is solely the lawyer’s fault. It has no matter that the lawyer told how to do it right. He had to figure out how to make it so that it was not wrong, but right, and quickly, simply and cheap at the same time. And he must have foreseen the possibility of bringing any documents signed by you by the court.

10. While the agreement can be made by anyone, all the work that you do not want to do by yourself, can be done by the lawyer, explaining it by the fact that as legal issues are presented here, then it is a question of a lawyer. Extend this thesis boldly – in any case, you can find some legal issues, whether it’s filling employment record book (procedure of books filling is governed by the laws, isn’t it?. Yes! So, this is a purely legal issue!) or the preparation of the annual financial statement (this is also regulated by legislation and, therefore, is a legal issue!).

11. Only you can have urgent matters to a lawyer. If you come to the lawyer with a sort of question, he shall immediately give up other matters and deal only with your question.

12. The company’s lawyers are most fond of when employees of the company come to them with their personal issues. In no case pay a lawyer – once he is working in the same company as you do, he must deal with your question, whether it is divorce, Bay flood in apartment, debt collection from a neighbor or something else. In no event go to legal advice company – why should you pay other lawyers, if your company has a lawyer who has a lot of free time, and the most of all wants to consider your question? If your company is not a lawyer, you have to ask your friend, so he consulted a lawyer of his company.

13. The company should not pay the lawyer a lot. Any manager should receive more that the lawyer – because manager earns money for the company, but the lawyer only prevents him to do so, and his work can be performed by anyone.

14. Any lawyer must know everything. If you came to a lawyer, who is engaged in taxation in your company, with the question of how the son of a friend of your sister can exempt from criminal liability, due to the fact that he being drunk beat a passerby on the street, then a lawyer should answer it, without hesitation.

15. It is not necessary to set clear questions for the lawyer, the question should be as unclear as possible. It is best to inform the lawyer that we signed a contract with Plunder and Flee Inc. Let the lawyer guesses what you want him to do – to check some documents under the contract, make an additional agreement to it or prepare a lawsuit for the recovery of debts under the contract. He is a lawyer – he should guess by hiself.

16. If the lawyer tells you how to do something, and you want to do the opposite, but cannot justify it, remember the best arguments – here in the paper (or the book “How to enter into contracts”) it is said that it is possible! Alternatives:

• But a lawyer who is a friend of mine said that it is possible to do so!

• But we have always do so, and nothing bad happened!

• But the other banks did not require it! (Argument applies to the dispute with a lawyer of the counterparty bank).

• How can you be a lawyer, if you cannot figure out how to do what I want and so that it was right ?!

17. And the lawyers are very fond of when you start with a straight face to talk about legal issues, showing how well you know this sphere and incompetent in it the lawyer himself is.

18. If your company have several lawyers ask the same question to all of them (in this case do not care that the question concerning taxes you are asking to a lawyer who deals with real estate, see rule No. 12), choose the most convenient answer and then if there is a problem, feel free to say, “But the lawyers told me that it is possible to do so!”.

19. Documents for the legal expertise shall be brought one by one, the next document shall be provided when the lawyer had written a legal opinion. Lawyers are fond of re-writing the legal opinions.

20. If a lawyer asks you a question, in any case, do not answer it honestly. Why did he have to know your product delivery schedules? It will not lead to good things, let him guess.

21. If a lawyer tells you that under the certain law it is necessary to do the something or there are some terms, do not believe him, he’s bluffing. If he sends you ten written warnings with the same information, he is still bluffing. When the deadline passes, you just have to call and angrily accuse the lawyer that he did not warn you.

22. If a lawyer is working in a separate company and charges you an hourly rate, the best thing is to call him by the phone, and if he dared to send you a check for four hours spent on the answers to your legitimate questions about your sister’s husband’s wife’s brother or about the same delay in time, you just have to call and yell about how he dared.

23. If you’re sending documents to the lawyer, select the most esoteric format for that. You should not use any of the common programs.

24. If you decide to send something to the lawyer in response to his question, be sure to attach a box of unnecessary papers – he is a lawyer and should deal with it.

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